Rob Morgan
19/10/2009 03:13 | By by Rob Morgan

How To Get A Ticket For Glastonbury

People at Glastonbury - © Yui Mok/PA Archive/PA Photos

I've been to Glastonbury every year since 1995. Every single time, I've bought my own ticket. I'm not on anyone's list of freebies - cheers MSN - and I've never found myself at a St John's Ambulance tent with a no-questions-asked Fence-Jumper's Ankle.

So I'm here to share my famous, guaranteed Step By Step Process for Getting a Glastonbury Ticket:

Step One: Make sure you've registered. The closing date for this was March 14, so if you haven't done it already, forget it, you ain't going.

Step Two: At 9am on Sunday 6 April, be in front of a computer and a phone and try REALLY REALLY HARD TO GET A TICKET.

That's it. Look, I'm sorry, but there's no silver bullet. But, if you absolutely must get a ticket, here are a few tips that might help:-

soldiers - © Chris Ison/PA Wire/PA Photos

1. Treat it way too seriously. You have to run this like a military operation. This whole article is faintly ridiculous, I know. All this fuss for a silly shouty mudbath, and there's a war on - but if that's what you think, it's not surprising you don't get through.

synchronised swimmers - © Rebecca Naden/PA Wire

2. Work as a team. You can each buy four tickets per person, so help each other out and quadruple your chances. Have a list of everyone's registration numbers. Have a plan for what to do if each person gets through.

Remember, it's quite likely you'll all suddenly get through at once - then what are you going to do?

monopoly houses - © Gareth Fuller/PA Wire

3. Stay in your own house. Whatever happens, you can guarantee that by 9:30am, there'll be people bragging on internet forums that they got tickets no trouble, then they got through a few more times just for kicks. Ignore them. It's not that they're unusually skilled at pressing buttons repeatedly, they just got lucky with their phone exchange or internet hub. The more places you try from, the better your chances.

David Cameron - © Max Nash/PA Wire

4. It's all about the internet. Each year, more tickets are sold online. If you know what you're doing, you can try things like turning off proxies and firewalls, using a work connection with high contention, and turning off images on your browser. It probably doesn't make any difference, but it makes you feel like you're doing something.

George W Bush on the phone - © AP Photo/White House, Eric Draper

5. Don't forget the phone. There are still loads of tickets available on the phone. If you can get into a redial rhythm, you'll probably get through eventually. You can tell when you're not even getting close refreshing the internet, that's when you really hammer that phone.

Jimmy Savile - © Rex

6. Don't bother with your mobile. Come on, those things don't work half the time in normal conditions. You really think you'll get through with that? And, no, pressing 5 for ringback is no help. Keep your mobile to take the calls from your mates telling you how they almost got through and hung up.

ebay HQ - © AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez

7. Don't buy a link from ebay. By about 9:45am, the guy who was bragging earlier will be selling a "GUARANTEED LINK TO GET THROUGH TO SEA TICKETS" at £5 a shot. Sometimes those links will get you one stage further, but it's hardly worth paying for - and you'll probably find it on a forum for free. The danger of reusing any link is that you're continuously refreshing a 'busy' page that's never going to get you anywhere.

a coach - © Clara Molden/PA Wire

8. Don't forget the coach tickets. Last year, the coach tickets sold out about an hour after the rest. If you do get a coach ticket, bear in mind that they actually give you your entry ticket on the coach - so there'll be no getting a lift in your mate's gas-guzzling Hummer. Oh, and if you're feeling flush, get a tipi.

a man dressed as a leprechaun - © Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport/PA Photos

9. Be lucky. One thing you can be sure of is that the annual Glastonbury tombola pushes communications technology to the limit. Actually getting a busy tone or a 404 page is a result - most of the time, nothing happens. It's impossible under these circumstances for the networks to behave fairly. So some people are going to get through easily and some are doomed to get nothing – until that horrible moment when you get a ringing tone and every web browser finds the page at once. This means they've sold out.

Johnny Borrell - © G6010C/EMPICS Entertainment/PA Photos

10. If at first you don't succeed... cheat. You can get into the festival by cheating for a good cause, getting a job as a steward for Oxfam or with the Workers Beer Company. Or cheat for evil, go for nepotism: sleep with Johnny Borrell, he must still be worth at least one ticket.

Oh, and don't get cross with the system. It suits the festival. It's so unfair, it's fair – and you watch, come June, everyone who really wants to go will have found some way to get in.

Remember: if you don't try, you won't go - and if you don't go, how are you going to tell people it's not as good as it used to be?

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